Somehow, it doesn't really feel like this belongs at [profile] the_crossroad. Because this is pure, unadulterated crack. Its not even a true fic, I think. Just some random idea I threw out of the dark abyss of my mind.

Written because this wouldn't get out of my head after listening to Dane Cook and reading Naruto fanfic at the same time.

This is the result.

    “Where’s the target?” Sasuke’s fingers twitched once, betraying his impatience. The members of Team Seven crouched in various spots around the living room (Sasuke was perched atop a bookshelf, Sakura behind a clock, Naruto under the table, and Kakashi lounging on the couch- much to the chagrin of his genin team).

    “He should be here soon.” Kakashi replied, flipping a page over. Sasuke’s eyebrow twitched at his sensei’s nonchalant attitude.  

    “What’s he like again?” Naruto whispered to Sakura.

    “You idiot,” Sakura scowled, “He’s a serial burglar. He breaks through a wall in the house and then offers refreshments to children.”

    “Refreshments?” Naruto blinked.

    “Drinks, dumbass.” Sasuke muttered, annoyed.

    “Oh.” Naruto paused for a moment. “Why are we after someone who gives people drinks?”

    “Because he’s breaking and entering!” Sakura shot back fiercely. “It doesn’t matter if he gives people drinks or even money, he’s still breaking the law!”

    “Speaking of which,” Kakashi began, “I could go for a drink.”

    “OH YEAH!”



    The members of Team Seven stared.

    “... the target is a giant beverage?” Sasuke scowled, staring at the giant, animate bowl of red liquid.

    In tights, no less.

    “There’s no way I’m fighting this.” Naruto stated, frowning. “I’m the fucking title character. I don’t fight giant drinks.” And with that, he stormed out of the living room.

    “I’m not doing it either.” Sasuke turned, and followed Naruto out. “Oi, dead last. You want to do something?”

    “... what, you mean like make out?” Naruto paused for a moment, as if considering. “Sure, what the hell. But I’m topping, ‘cause everyone tops you.”

    Sasuke scowled. The truth hurt sometimes.

    “Well, if Sasuke-kun isn’t, then neither will I!” Sakura shouted, and then ran after Sasuke, switching to glomp-mode. “Wait up Sasuke! We can make it an OT3!”

    Kakashi stood alone in the living room with the giant beverage.
    “Oh yeah?”

    “Mmm, I’m afraid they’re always like that.”

    “Oh yeah.”

    “No, I’m fine. I’m way too engrossed in porn to even notice their angst. By the way, can I have a drink?” out of nowhere Kakashi procured a paper cup, holding it out.

    “Oh yeah!” the giant beverage poured himself out into the drink.

    “Mmm. Thanks.” Kakashi took a sip (somehow keeping his mask on at the same time). “By the way...” he paused, glancing down into the cup, “Sorry about this.”

    And he kicked the Kool-Aid in the tights, toppling the giant beverage, shattering the glass body and letting all of the contents spill out across the living room.

    “You’re just too top heavy, I’m afraid.” Kakashi inclined his head in respect. He took another slow, measured sip, and then spoke again.

    “By the way... this is really good.”
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